


Fall Away

by CarolineCain



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:37:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarolineCain/pseuds/CarolineCain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been almost a year since the death of Ebb and the Mage and since Simon lost his magic, but to Simon, it feels as if it was yesterday. After everything that happened, how can Simon carry on?</p><p>This fic involves really dark themes and nightmarish effects of PTSD</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glory and Gore

**Simon**

I feel like shit. I woke up about an hour ago with a jolt, panting and breathing deeply, trying to shake off the feelings of fear and dread left over from my nightmare. It’s the same one as always, me reliving what happened in the tower nearly a year ago, starting off true to the actual events but always ending with everyone I care about being killed. Just as I’m drained of magic for good, Baz and Penelope burst in to help me, but are always killed by the Mage. While I stand there, unable to do anything. Helpless. Magicless. Useless.

Exactly the way I feel now.

I should have expected this, but I really hoped that I would be over it. Every time Baz leaves me alone for the night, I have the worst nightmares. It was the worst when we had just moved in, soon after The Incident. Every night, I would toss and turn, unable to sleep until the exhaustion won out. Every night, I would wake up yelling and gasping, my lungs desperate for air. Penny, being a heavy sleeper, didn’t rise from her room at the opposite side of our apartment, something which I was thankful for. But after two weeks of this, I couldn’t do it anymore. Penny and Baz had both noticed how worn out I looked, and soon after Baz started staying nights more and more until he had all but moved in, in every way except officially. And him being the only one who actually goes out to buy groceries and other necessities is enough for Penny to overlook his gradual arrival. I’m certainly not complaining. Not only is it great to have Baz around all the time, but I also haven’t had a nightmare in over half a year, with Baz sleeping next to me every night.

But today Baz had to leave for a research expedition for college, something about collecting data. He assured me that he didn’t have to go, and that he would still have enough credits to pass the course but I could see he really wanted to go. “it’s only one night, I’ll be fine” I reasoned, “you go and have fun, bring me back a souvenir.” He was hesitant at first, but after a while I could see his excitement gathering under his cool and calm demeanour. He was almost grinning this morning when I hugged him goodbye, him planting a quick kiss on my forehead, whispering “don’t miss me too much, okay?” I watched as he pulled away, the sinking feeling already starting in the pit of my stomach. With Baz gone and Penny off visiting Micah in America, I returned to an empty apartment, switched on some Jessica Jones on Netflix and laid on the couch until I fell asleep.

Which brings me back to now, panting and trying to get my breath back, trying to calm myself down. I glance at the clock, showing the time four am. Eight hours until Baz gets back. But even that isn’t enough to distract me from my nightmare. It was just a dream I tell myself, but it doesn’t help. It never used to and it doesn’t now. Because even though Baz and Penny are safe at the moment, I know that if they were ever in danger, I would be exactly as useful as I was in my nightmare. Because my nightmares bring up exactly what I struggle to ignore every day.

I am not magic. I am not strong. I am weak. Ineffective. I can joke about me being normal with Baz and Penny but it’s impossible for me to lose my magic, loose everything that made me special and be okay with it. My therapist kept on saying that it would just take time, “time heals all wounds” she would say, but it really doesn’t. I suppose that’s why I stopped seeing her, ignoring her calls until they stopped. In the end, I just couldn’t stand talking about it all anymore. She would constantly tell me to cherish what magic I have left, my wings and tail, but they feel like they’re anything but something to be grateful for. They are a constant reminder of everything I’ve lost, everything I’m not, and will never be again.

Suddenly I’m so angry at them, these abominations that have attached themselves to my back, the only magic I have left being these huge disgusting things, like a parasitic growth that refuses to let itself be removed. I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow for what I’ve lost and anger at what I’ve become. I shouldn’t be alive, it should be Ebb, who only saw the best in everyone, who only wanted to live in peace. But instead she sacrificed herself to save me, and look what I’ve done with the life she saved. I’m a freak of nature, a normal mutated with magic into some kind of sick joke. A monster. I cannot stand the thought of living like this forever.

I know what I have to do.

I go into the kitchen, searching around for the biggest blade I can find. I shuffle through the drawer, until I find the sharp carving knife that penny used to cut the thanksgiving turkey a few months back. I make my way to the bathroom, grabbing some towels on the way. I stand up in the bathtub, my tail in one hand and knife in the other, barely considering what I’m about to do. All I’m focused on is the immense need to relieve myself of the constant reminder of everything that happened and everything I’m not.

I don’t let myself hesitate.

I bring the knife down on my tail, slicing through the tough leathery skin and into the tender flesh underneath. I feel as if time has come to a stop, as if I’m watching it all happen from outside my own body. And then pain envelops me, immense and all consuming. I drop the knife and look at my hands, covered in slick red blood, taking me back to that day in the white tower, the images of Ebb’s and the Mage’s bodies lying lifeless on the ground, now joined by those of Penny and Baz flashing before my eyes.

I scream in agony before I collapse, everything turning from red to black.


	2. Trapdoor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz returns home from his trip and looks for Simon

**Baz**

I sit impatiently, staring daggers at the red traffic light, urging time or the car to go faster. I’ve been eager to get back to Simon ever since I left, and when the supervisor announced that we would be departing early due to a mix up with the bookings for the accommodation, I practically wept with joy. Only a few minutes until I get to see Simon, the only reason I’m not annoyed at being up at the ungodly time of six am. Ever since I unofficially moved in with Penny and Simon, Simon and I have been practically inseparable. I feel anxious from spending time away from him, my mind worrying about everything that could have gone wrong. I hope Simon is okay. I know he always tells me to stop worrying about him so much, but underneath his constant reassurances that he’s “perfectly fine”, I can see he’s still struggling with what happened in that Tower, but he won’t open up to me and he has stopped seeing his therapist. He reluctantly told me about his nightmares, how he experiences what happened in the tower again and again, but I get the feeling he was leaving something out. But I didn’t want to push him after he had finally opened up to me. But this is the first time since then that I’ve left him alone for the night. Despite his reassurances, I can’t help worrying. As I pull into the driveway, I breathe a sigh of relief. It feels good to be home.

I walk through the door, dumping my laptop bag and my satchel on the floor and head straight to the kitchen. I figure that Simon is probably still asleep, his class doesn’t start until two pm so I try to be as quiet as possible so I don’t wake him. I grab a small pouch of blood from the butcher from the fridge and devour it fast, starving from not being able to hunt since yesterday morning. As I throw the empty pouch in the bin, I decide to check on Simon, just to be sure that he’s okay. Even though he’s now an incredibly light sleeper, I figure I can creep in and out quietly enough not to wake him, even with the creaky door.

I creep silently to the door, turning the handle and opening it exceptionally quietly. But as soon as I peer in, I swing the door fully open, abandoning trying to be silent.

Simon isn’t there.

Okay I think, he could be anywhere, he could have fallen asleep on the couch.

But when I check, he’s not there, or Penny’s room, so he must be in the bathroom. He’s probably just showering or something, maybe I just didn’t hear the shower going.

But I know my hearing I impeccable, I would have heard it for sure. But when I go to turn the handle I find it unlocked. This already strikes me as odd, because Simon always locks the doors behind him. His therapist said it was normal for trauma victims, especially those suffering from PTSD to be wary of making sure that their environments were secure, so we got locks put on most of the doors, just to be safe.

I open the door.

The first thing that hits me is the scent of blood. Simon’s blood.

Then I see him. Simon. Collapsed in the bathtub. Covered in blood. It’s everywhere, all over the tub and on Simon and suddenly I’m screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a bit of a shorter chapter, tomorrow's one should be really long. 
> 
> Hope you like it! x


	3. Ode to Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Baz want answers

 

**Simon**

I wake up in a hospital bed, laying on my side and staring at the wall, feeling like I was just hit by a truck. As I become more awake, I notice the drip stuck into my arm, the aching pain at my lower back and the signature smell of a hospital.

And someone sleeping in an armchair next to my bed.

Baz.

He looks absolutely terrible, his skin even more pale than usual, almost translucent, emphasised by his pitch black hair which is a complete mess.

Then it all comes back to me. The knife and the bathtub and the blood and the pain, such intense pain, not only physical but also mental. But I feel oddly calm, like I am separate from everything that happened, as if it happened to someone else.

I carefully examine my lower back with my hand, searching around for my tail, but I feel nothing, just a swollen area which is painful to touch.

It's gone.

I feel torn between relief and sadness, both feelings tearing up inside me. Suddenly the situation feels so real, so overwhelming, that I start panicking, breathing rapidly, trying to calm myself down. Tears start falling down my face, soaking the pillow underneath me. I try to recall the strategies my therapist talked to me about to calm myself down in situations like this. I start by counting five things I can see, then five things I can smell and then five things I can hear, repeating them until I've calmed down.

Just as I've stopped crying, Penny bursts into the room, slamming the door shut. Baz wakes up with a start, instantly alert, his eyes darting around the room before landing on me. They both look at me for one second before Penny looses it.

"What the hell Simon? I get a call from Baz at two am saying that he came home to find you bleeding out in the tub in some insane attempt to cut off your tail, and that he's driven you to the emergency room where they are treating your injuries, but he doesn't know what to do. So I have to get on the first flight back and also call my dad to drive over and smooth over everything with the doctors, all while I'm trying to get in touch with any magical medical expert I can to help you! What were you thinking?"

She looks at me expectantly, and I feel a stab of guilt as I notice that she doesn't look much better than Baz. Baz, who is still siting there as still as a rock, looking straight at me. I try to force out an answer, but all I get out is a mess of sounds, because I really can't explain it. But I try anyway.

"I just couldn't stand it anymore,I just felt so overwhelmed and agitated and I needed to do something about it. I didn't think there would be that much blood".

Penny looks at me incredulously.

"You didn't think there would be that much blood? Simon, you lost so much blood that they originally though you might not make it! They had to give you an exceptionally large transfusion just to get you stable!"

She looks away and as she walks out, in a much smaller voice she says "You could have died Simon. Try to understand that."

 

**Baz**

  
I continue to stare at Simon because that's all I can do. This feels like one big horrible nightmare, but I'm not waking up. After the paramedics took Simon I didn't know what to do, I just sat there staring at the wall for hours. When a nurse finally came to tell me that I could see him it was already 1pm. She warned me that he had be sedated as his injuries were severe and he may not be conscious for over 16 hours, but I was welcome to stay with him.

When I saw Simon curled up on the hospital bed I nearly passed out. He looked so broken, his usually glowing skin turned pale from the blood loss, his wings curled around himself like he was trying to hold himself together. So I pulled up a chair and waited until I must have fallen asleep.

Which brings me to now, eight in the morning, staring at Simon.

I honestly don't know what say. How can I put my feelings into words? All i want to know is one thing.

"Why?"

Simon looks at me blankly, so I press on.

"Why did you feel the need to try to hack off your tail Simon? What was so urgent that you had to try to cut it off with a kitchen knife? I know you find your tail annoying sometimes, but why didn't you call me or Penny if you wanted to remove it?"

He looks at the floor, and replies "I had a really bad nightmare and I couldn't get back to sleep and then I just couldn't do it anymore." He looks scared as he answers, like he's afraid of my reaction.

"Do what anymore?" I ask

He hesitates before answering, as if he's deciding whether or not to reply. Finally he looks at me and then quickly turns away.

"I just couldn't stand having a constant reminder of what I used to have, what I used to be. You have no idea what it's like to have all that magic, just to lose it all. And every time my wings hit something or my tail is in the way, it's like being reminded that I won't ever be magic again. I can't even be a normal because of them, I'm just stuck being some messed up freak in between, not even able to go for a walk without you or Penny spelling my wings invisible." There are tears in his eyes by now, him struggling to keep them in.

"I may not have any idea what it's like to lose something like that, but I do know what it's like to have a part of yourself you hate for reminding you of something you would rather forget. Every time I see my fangs, it's a reminder of the night my mother was killed, by the same creature I am." By this point I also have tears in my eyes, but i continue on. "I understand if you wanted them gone, but Crowley, if you really wanted them removed, why didn't you talk to me or Penny? Or even Dr Wellbelove? We could of arranged something if you were that desperate to be rid of them?"

As soon as he opens his mouth to reply, my phone rings, the shrill ringtone startling us both. I take it out of my pocket and check who it is.

It's Penny.

I answer it, but before I can even say hello, an urgent voice interrupts me.

"Baz? I need to talk to you, away from Simon. Urgently. Meet me in the hospital cafeteria." She hangs up before I can get a single word out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this chapter being a little later Han I usually upload, the next one should be uploaded soon


	4. Stressed out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Baz talk to Dr Wellbelove about what happens next.

 

 

 

**Baz**

As soon as I walk into the cafeteria I see Penny sitting at a table, miserably stirring a cup of coffee. I walk over to her and pull out the flimsy metal chair across from her, the scraping noise startling her as I sit down.

"Penny, you look like crap" I tell her. She smiles weakly before replying "I could say the same thing about you."

I study her carefully, taking in her noticeably wrinkled clothes, the shadows under her eyes, her worn out appearance.

" I asked you to meet me here so we could talk to Dr Wellbelove together. He called me and said that he needed to talk with us urgently. He's been working non stop since I called him on getting Simon stable and keeping it all under wraps, convincing the nurses who treated him first to keep quiet about his 'extra appendages'. Luckily he's a very persuasive man, but I don't know what we would have done without him. He said he should be here in a few minutes."

She takes another sip of her coffee, and then in a much softer voice asks "how is he?"

"He's looks a lot better from when he was first brought in, but I honestly don't know what to do. I tried talking to him some more after you called, but he just blocked me out and stared at the wall. I mean, where do we go from here? What if he tries something like this again?"

I voice answers me from behind. "He won't need to. His wings will be removed within a few days". Dr Wellbelove sits down and continues "Simon asked me if I would perform the procedure to have them removed and I agreed, as soon as he recovers from his current injury of course."

Penny and I both look at him shocked. Bu where I am lost for words, Penny is full of them. "But we've been through this before, you said that the extreme severity of the operation would mean that he would not be able to move for months so that his spine could heal, and that it was just too risky and Unknown, anything could happen!"

Dr Wellbelove looks at her earnestly. "Well what other options do I have? Although he won't admit it to me, I can see that his wounds were self inflicted. How long until he attempts to remove his wings? He got lucky with his tail, it was only thin to begin with and it wasn't attached in such a vital place. But his wings? If he tries to remove them, he could paralyse himself permanently at the very least! I've got a whole team of medical professionals coming in for this surgery, I've consulted with the best magical doctors we have, and although the recovery will take months, it's better than the alternative."

Penny looks confused. "But when did you talk to Simon? He's been unconscious since he came in and Baz has been with him the entire time?"

Dr Wellbelove looks guilty as he answers. "Simon called me a month ago, begging for me to remove his wings and tail and I refused. Even though it could have been done, it was very risky and I didn't want to be responsible if it went wrong. So I refused. He was crying and desperately begging me and I refused. And now look what's happened. I could have prevented this, it's my duty as a doctor to help people, not turn them away. And I will not make the same mistake twice." He turns as if to walk away, but then decides against it. "Simon has been through so much, more than anyone should ever have to go through. And he never would have made it without you two being there for him. So please, be there for him again."

Penny and I watch as he strides out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so late, I took a break from writing for Christmas. The normal upload schedule of a new chapter every 1-2 days will resume.
> 
> As always, any feedback or comments are greatly appreciated!


	5. Soaring

 

 

**Simon**

I've been staring at the roof for over two hours now. There's a little black speck directly above me, and I figure if I focus on it long enough I'll fall back asleep. But so far it's been quite unsuccessful.

Dr Wellbelove must have told Baz and Penny about the surgery to remove my wings, because they have been coming every few hours to talk to me. I pretend to be asleep, but I think they know I'm faking it.

The clock tells me it's 6pm, only 10 hours until the surgery is scheduled. But it feels like years away, even with me slipping in and out of sleep every few hours. Sometimes I wake up with my wings wrapped around my shoulders, cradling my body, as if they don't want to let go.

I wonder how it will feel when they're gone.

Not just physically, but mentally. I know it will feel good to have less weight on my back, but I wonder how I'll feel psychologically, if it really will help. I guess I'll have plenty of time to adjust to it, Dr Wellbelove estimates at least 2 months of recovery to even be able to leave the hospital, let alone be able to move around freely.

At least I'll have Baz and Penny to help me, although I'm not sure if they will. I know both of them don't approve of my choices to remove my wings and tail, but neither of them seem to understand that I need them gone so I can move past what happened in that tower. And I'm too much of a coward to talk to either of them.

I'll face up to them after the surgery.

  
**Baz**

_14 hours later - 1 hour after the surgery has finished_

  
I've been waiting in Simons hospital room for an hour now, waiting for him to wake up. I know he's not supposed to for another 4 hours at least, but I can't help it. He looks so fragile, so much smaller without his wings, it makes me want to take him home and keep him there, never letting him out of my sight.

Life has not been kind to Simon Snow.

it seems as if every time things seem to be getting better, it all comes crashing down. But I need to be there for him when he wakes up, even if I don't agree with all his decisions. He deserves that from me.

Penny is being a little more difficult.

She's taking it all a little bit too personally, and I think she feels guilty that she didn't realise how bad Simon had gotten. Not that I don't understand that all too well, but Penny feels as if Simon doesn't trust her because he didn't tell her. So now she's become distant towards him, pretending that she's less affected by Simon's condition than she is. But she'll come around, she has to. Her and Simon have been too close for too long for this to drive them apart.

Just as I'm drifting to sleep, I soft knock on the door alerts me to Dr Wellbelove standing in the doorway, beckoning me out into the hallway. I follow him out for a few metres, and then stop.

"Okay, how did the surgery go? Were there any complications? Is Simon going to be alright?" The questions flood out, and Dr Wellbelove attempts to answer them.

"The surgery went well, all things considered. There were considerable complications and we were able to remove the wings without any considerable damage to the spinal collom, which was our main concern. If all goes well, he should be fit to go home in a month, as long as he stays still and doesn't strain himself. As per his agreement, his surgery and care will be taken care of in exchange for his permission to keep his wings and tail in order to study and the condition that he submits to an examination of his recovery every two weeks for a year."

This agreement was actually Dr Wellbelove's idea, as Simon wanted to repay him but didn't have the financial stability to do so. This way Dr Wellbelove can monitor Simon's recovery and use the information to help with other surgeries.

I thank him for all he's done and walk back into the room. Before I resume sitting and waiting for Simon to regain consciousness, I walk over to the bed and gently kiss him in the forehead, carefully as not to wake him. I pull up the chair until it's adjacent to the bed, the arm of the chair touching the edge.

I know Simon still has a long way to go, and maybe so do I, but we don't have to do it alone. I make a promise to myself to maybe see that therapist Simons always trying to make me talk to, and make sure he does too. I will never let this happen again, and I will never let Simon feel this way again. He deserves that much.

I curl up in the chair.

It's going to be a long month.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is always welcomed, this is my second fic so any comments are highly appreciated!


End file.
